Chapter 12:
 

     Audrey is nestled between the sheets, clinging to one of the white roses from the bouquet, hoping it might somehow bring her solace. She brings it to her nose, allowing it to tickle her nostrils. She closes her eyes hoping to savor the moment, taking in the aroma with deep breath. The scent reminds her of of the warm long days she spent with Lex. If only her mind could take her there. As much as she tried to drift into the pleasant dreams of the past, her head was clouded with one memory, one she had no desire to revisit, but one she could not seem to to escape.
 
 

     The smell of ammonia stings her nose as she walks through the clinical institution. The isolation she's feeling is radiated by the echoed clicks of her heels as she walks down the long quiet hallway.

     Reaching the window of the visitation room, she stops, losing her breath by what she sees. Lex is crouched over the table, broken and alone. His designer suit has been replaced by sterile blue scrubs, his italian loafers taken from him leaving his feet bare against the cold tile floor. Sadly he appears to be only a shell of the man she loves.

     She enters the room, her heart breaking more with every step she takes towards him. The large orderlies standing guard make her feel as though sheís visiting a prisoner. Their watchful eyes guide her to a seat across from him, not allowing her to rush and embrace him as her heart so longs to do.

     His sullen expression lessens as his eyes go to her, but it's agony for her to look into them. The dancing light seems to have gone out, leaving his green eyes cold and distant. Fighting against her pain she looks deep into them, willing out a shred of the real Lex, pleading with her stare for him to reach out to her.

     As though pulled out of a thick fog Lex comes back to her, overpowering the effects of the sedatives to connect with the only person he knows will believe him.

     He holds his hands out to her, starving for human contact, especially from her. The hands before her do not resemble the ones who had been raised to always clutch a silver spoon. They're cut to shreds, bruised and covered with dried blood. Fearful of causing him further pain she softly places her hands on top of his, gently consoling him with her fingers. He closes his eyes, the warmth of her touch able to penetrate the frigidness of the place that was beginning to consume him. Longing for more he grasps her hands, disregarding the pain the use of his hands brings to him.

     "I'm not crazy" Lex whispers, opening his eyes to reveal a confirmation more concrete than than his words could provide.

     Always able to read his eyes, she instantly could see that he was put here only because he had gambled with his father and lost an important round.

     "I know" she says, relieved to be able to believe it.

     She had come there fearing that something had really caused him to slip. That somehow all of the tragedy and sadness in his life had caused his mind to escape to a place he might not be able to come back from. Knowing what she had just learned about their future together, the fear that Lex belonged in the asylum was almost too hard to bare.

     It was a relief to see that although stripped of the things she recognized as Lex, the powerful confident demeanor, the charming smile, and elegant clothes, he still remained intact under the surface. He was broken and down, but not insane. She was confident feeling that whatever happened from here on out they could handle it, for they had eachother and that was enough.

     If only her thinking so could will it to be.

     "I have something for you" he says, reaching towards the seat beside him. He presents a rolled piece of paper which he handles like something sacred. She carefully takes it, beginning to unroll it only to be quickly stopped by the urgency in his eyes. "You can't open it here" he says, watching the guards like a hawk. The level of secrecy unnerves her, fearing this paper contains something about his father's crime, something she does not want to be responsible for.

     She sees the unpredictable flicker in his eyes, the only thing in him that she does not love. The change eerily makes him appear like his father, and it scares her that a look from Lex can give her chills.

     She has seen this look before, not long ago when he learned about his grandparent's murder. It wasn't a look of sadness or grief, or even one someone might possess who is seeking justice. It was a evil sort of glow signaling clearly his incessant need to win at all costs. Even when locked behind walls of an asylum he could not give up on his irrational pursuits, and Audrey couldn't help but fear how far his doggedness would take him.

     If only the desire in her heart could overpower the part of him that is driven by darkness.
 

     The walk out of Belle Reve was a long one. The dizzying nausea she felt was making it nearly impossible to stomach the clinical stench any longer. Driven by the need to reach the clean air outside, she tries to move more quickly, but every step stabs at her heart with the realization that she's leaving Lex behind in a place he does not belong.

     Finally reaching outside she can no longer contain that which has been rising up within her. She runs to the receptacle near the door and vomits. The sickness of her condition combined with the stress of seeing Lex behind those walls proved too much to endure, and the release only seems to trigger more. She crumbles to the ground bawling uncontrollably like a lost child.
 

     Feeling well enough to leave, Audrey climbs into her car. She decides to look at the paper Lex entrusted her with inside. She slowly unrolls it, revealing a painting he created as part of his treatment. A surreal self portrait placing him in the midst of flames with the earth broken in half at his side. The image startles her, oddly materializing her greatest fears for Lex's future.

     Not emotionally stable enough to think about the repercussions the painting might be insinuating, she rolls it up, hoping to put it out of her mind until she feels well enough to deal with all of her concerns. As she's putting it in her glove compartment she notices some handwriting on the back. Curious, she opens it back up and begins reading.
 

"My entire life the spectre of a man greater than me, one who would conquer the world, cast a shadow of doubt over any and all of my accomplishments.  It was with no sense of irony that my father both pictured himself as that man, and named his son after that man.  This spectral shadow beleaguered my life, making it impossible for me to find a sense of purpose which I could call my own. In one day, one act, by a boy, wiped the sense of purpose my father intended for me away.  He made it possible for me to forge my own destiny. I could not understand how Clark Kent freed me, until I discovered how he freed me that day.  The reality of his talents, the scope of his power, cannot be surpassed by a mere mortal such as myself.  Clark's herculean strength coupled with the speed of Apollo are attributes reserved for gods. I've witnessed these powers, and the truth that is clear to me now, is that to aspire to conquer men like Alexander the Great, is a paltry task in the face of a true god. To be great, one must conquer a god."
 
 

     Relieved from the darkness of her memory, Audrey gets out of bed, placing the rose into the vase with the others. For a moment she stands before them, caressing the pure petals with her fingertips. Turning her back to them with the same difficulty one would have turning away from their child, she goes to her suitcase. Reaching beneath the clothes, she retrieves the rolled print. It is now neatly tied with a lavender ribbon. Nestled in her hand is the reason and purpose which has led her to Smallville.