Chapter 15:
 
 

     As much as Audrey hoped that relieving herself of the paper she had been burdened with for months would free her from the oppression it represented, she knew in the back of her mind she would never be free from it. Even now, well into a new day, she sat alone in the loft of the barn trying desperately to escape into a world without worry that only seemed to exist in her canvas, she still found it difficult to not feel the pangs of regret for the emotions she couldnít help but feel.

      Sitting in the warm sunlight streaming through the hay door window, she begins to wonder just how she can continue to live a life without Lex. Placing her hand down on her stomach, her mind begins to drift to the only piece of him she has left. The innocent child within her seemed to be the only thing she felt she needed to live for. The only dream she had with Lex that she had yet to wake from.

     She is startled out of her thoughts by soft clicking of heels against the worn wooden planks of the loft. Instinctively her hands drop from her abdomen, as she turns to see who is coming up behind her. Lex stands within feet of her, impeccably dressed, with his hands in his pockets, his lips revealing a hint of a smile. Feeling as though her skin is the only thing holding her together, she fights against the urge to jump up to embrace him. Despite how she so desperately longs to be held in his embrace, never having to feel the bitter chill of loneliness again, she hides behind the wall of safety the fear within her has created.

     Immediately sensing her guard, he moves past her, stepping towards the canvas with only a few lonely stokes gracing it. "A work in progress?" he says, passing her a glimmering eye with a side glance.

     "Aren't we all?" she says quietly.
 
     Choosing his moment carefully he begins again, possessing a much softer, sincere tone. "I'd like to start over with you."

     Surprised and confused she gets up, feeling uneasy under his gaze.
 
     "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable," he says, respecting her need to keep distance between them. "The other day at my house I think we got off on the wrong foot," he says, slowly turning to face her. "I'm sorry about that."

     His eyes plead with her to allow him to stay. Longing to explore these feelings within him that have left him searching for answers. All of the questions seemed to point to her, and he had to know why.

     She feels between them same electricity she felt the night they first met. She could see the same vulnerability in his eyes. If only he had come in acting like he did in the mansion, devouring her with his eyes, wanting nothing more than to toy with her. She could stand up to that. She could resist him, and be glad she had done it. But now, with that look in his eyes, and that electricity in the air she felt powerless under the intoxicating spell that his love put her under. It was evident even the shock therapy couldn't erase what they had between them. Even if Lex didn't know what it was, he felt it deep within him, and no matter of logic could allow him to reason it away.

     "You want to go for a walk or something?" she asks, as if her heart were spilling out the words instead of her lips, her eyes instantly showing she was surprised by her own outburst. She wasn't sure if she said it because she felt it necessary to keep Clark and Lex apart, or if it was more a personal reason. A desperate need to be close to him in the open air and warm sunshine. To feel free and alive and forget the events of the last few months at least in her own mind.

     The only person who could render Lex speechless was Audrey, and it was obvious that she still possessed that unique gift. He stood stunned, pleasantly surprised by her invitation, and willingness to accept his apology.

     She moves closer towards him, entranced by the rapid beats of her heart, hoping to savor these precious moments of happiness before having to succumb to a lifetime of sadness.
 
 

******
 
 

     Audrey and Lex walk through the pasture of the Kent farm, the gentle breeze blowing her long dress and hair about. It tickles her to see Lex in these surroundings. His fine clothes and demeanor a stark contrast to the rural landscape, and casual girl heís paired with. She can't help but smile at his attempts to let his guard down. Removing his long coat and rolling up his sleeves, but still obviously uncomfortable with the nature walk idea.

     "Is this okay?" Audrey asks Lex, seeing him dodging cow pies with expensive italian loafers.

     "It's fine," he says, doing the best job he can at acting comfortable despite his predicament.

     Behind her smiling eyes resides the pain of standing by his side, unable to say a million times how much she loves him. Even this, the silly way he walks through a pasture makes it almost impossible for her to continue her ruse. Continually having to fight against every nerve within her that cries out to hold him and be held by him proves exceedingly more difficult with every breath she takes.

     "I never noticed how differently the air smells in the county," she says, closing her eyes against the sun, allowing the breeze to embrace her. She turns towards him, blinking her opened eyes against the bright sun. "There's a thickness to the air in Metropolis. Like it could almost choke you if you were to inhale it for too long," she says pausing. "I never want to be smothered by a world I don't belong in."

     Lex hangs on her words, struck by how much this mysterious girl reminds him of someone. For most of his life he had been raised to only see land as something to purchase and develop. Never really caring enough to take the time to notice the smell of the air. Something about her observations intrigued and comforted him.

     "My mother loved the outdoors," he begins, a far off look in his eyes. "I would sit in her rose garden with her for hours. I remember her white roses climbing up the wrought iron trellis," he says, a sense of longing in his eyes, a familiar sincerity in his voice. "She told me I could climb them up to heaven to be with her when she was gone."

     "When she passed away she took with her my ability to see the world outside the window as anything but a painful reminder of her."

     "I never knew Lillian liked white roses," Audrey says, regretting her words as soon as they escaped her lips.

     Lex's head whips around, his stunned expression causing Audrey to fear what words he might speak next.

     "How did you know my mother's name?" Lex asks, ready to have this and the many other questions surrounding Audrey answered.

     As her heart pounds, her mind races over all the scenarios this conversation could lead to. Paralyzed by her own fear, she can do nothing but stand in front of him.

     Despite how obvious her slip seemed to her, Lex seems to quickly understand that his family was not like others. The Luthor family tree was practically a subject taught in school. The names and faces common knowledge to practically everyone from Smallville to Metropolis.

     ì" guess my lineage is common knowledge," he says, almost embarrassed that he momentarily forgot his family's status in society.

     She blushes, happy that it appears she dodged a bullet. She leans down, sliding her shoes off her feet, allowing herself the pleasure of feeling the soft grass beneath her. If only she could fully surrender to the freedom the beauty all around her was willing to provide. If only her mind would relinquish it's hold over her heart, allowing her to forget all that had happened, and allow her to just be happy to be alone with him for as much time as they could steal.

     She digs her toes into the soft earth, caught up in the emotions filling her and the realization that there may never be another tomorrow for them; she lets herself go. She leans her head back, allowing her arms to follow her around as she pirouettes like a delicate flower caught in the breeze. Her tiny sandals dangle from her hand, bouncing against the wind. Lex is entranced. Not just by her graceful elegance and delicate beauty, but by the sheer familiarity of the scene playing out in front of him. Trained to be chivalric he instinctively takes her shoes from her, lightening her load to enable her to continue. The seemingly simple gesture ignites a flash within his mind leaving him reeling with the effects of yet another case of deja vu.

     Audrey sees his expression change, her eyes following him as he takes a step backwards, shaking his head oddly. "Are you okay, Lex?" she asks, slightly alarmed by his behavior.

     "Have we done this all before? Is all of this familiar to you?" he asks, laying it out on the line, no longer able to be subtle. "You and I, we had something, didn't we? We were involved?" Lex asks, finally feeling as though it's safe to proceed down this path with Audrey. "I keep having questions arise whenever I'm around you. Questions that stem from being in your presence," he says, his olive green eyes pleading with her to help him answer them.

     Before she could even speak the words the answer is evident on her face. Her crimson cheeks revealing to him that she's is indeed the reason he has been having memories he cannot explain. Even if she was ready to confide in him the events of their past she knew her lungs would be unable to produce the air.
 
 "You don't need to answer that. I know why you're scared to tell me anything, my father can be intimidating, and he's gone out of his way to keep us apart. But, as powerful as he is, I will be twice as so. If we did have something, anything, you'll be safe with me. He can't touch you if you're with me," he confidently says.

 "We did. . ." she trails off, unsure if the truth will ease her pain or deepen it.

 "We did -- what?" he says, drawing in close, hanging on her words. He expects her to draw away, but she doesnít, preferring to bask in the warmth of his presence. "You can tell me. I can feel we had something and if it was half of what I feel I want that back. I won't let my father take everything from me," he says, taking her hand into his.

 Audrey's heart pounds, the rush dizzying her. She wants to believe him, she wants to trust him.  But, Lionel stole him away from her once, and he can do it again. The fear of what Lionel might do to Lex should his indiscretions come to the surface was what scared her the most. At least now Lex was alive. As confident as she knows Lex was that he would become more powerful than his father, she knows he isn't yet, and that him achieving that, means he'd be worse than his father, and there would be nothing left of what she loves about him.

 Worst of all, if he does defeat his father, if he does become twice the man Lionel is: then what will that mean for Clark? The ink staining the back of his painting mapped out what he would become if he gets his way.  To save Lex, to save Clark, she would need to sacrifice her heart.

 "We did, Lex. But, you know yourself. Did you really think that it was anything more than it always was?" She swallows her feelings, pushing the words out from the back of her throat.

 He begins to respond, a thousand reasons bounce through his head of why he knows she was different, but she stops him.

 "There were others," she lied, "I was one of many girls that have floated through your life, and will float right back out. I don't know why you have these memories, why you feel the way you do, but it was nothing to you. I was nothing to you." Her own words cutting her, tearing into her heart. He had told her so many times that she was the one, proved it in so many ways, yet she had no choice but to stand in front of him and deny that every moment they shared was special.

 "But my father..."

 "Is a paranoid man. You think he hasn't done the same thing to other women in your life? Perhaps he did what he did because of the way you're feeling. He cut off the possibility of you having anything that will keep you from the destiny he wants for you."

 "My destiny is what I make of it."

 "I hope so," she quivers, clinging to the only thing she has, her faith in him. But for now, to protect everyone, including Lex, she had to betray herself.

 "But, I was never part of that destiny," she says.

 She can see he's defeated, unable to know what to believe or say.

 She takes his hands, allowing him to hold onto the moment, but if she were being truthful she was allowing herself one last touch.

     Knowing she has to be strong, she fights the urge to want to stand there with him forever. She slides one hand loose, gliding her finger under the strap of her sandals that are still in his grasp. Hoping to stop her from ending this moment, he quickly moves his hands closer to her, brushing against her stomach. The startling gesture makes her jump, instinctively protecting that which he cannot know. Her quick move allows the bright sun to hit the gold of her necklace, the dancing light catching his eyes. He slowly moves his hand towards her neck, delicately gliding his fingers across her skin, hooking the necklace under one of them. Breathless from the intimate gesture, she closes her eyes, not seeing him gently pulling it out from under her bodice where she had hidden it out of view.

     A small charm dangles beneath the necklace that is looped around her thin neck, and his forefinger. As it spins in the light it sends tiny prisms bouncing off her pale cheeks. His eyes widen with the realization of what this piece represents.

     She opens her eyes, seeing in his a flash of light. Suddenly conscious of that which he holds in his hand, she takes it from him and tucks it back away out of sight.

    "You may not have been an important piece of my past, but perhaps you could be of my future."  He says with glimmering eyes. He sees in her a willed strength, seeing for some reason she is refusing to let him in. He smiles, handing her sandals to her, turning and pulling his thin frame off towards the west.

 Audrey's chest aches. Her body exploding with nerves, her knees practically giving way under the burden of her body. She sits down, knowing that if she remains standing Lex might turn and see her stumble, and then her ruse would fail. She sits down among the grass and watches Lex shrink into the distance. If he looks back, if he turns to look at her, then she's failed.

 Thankfully, as he disappears over the horizon, he never takes his gaze off of the path ahead of him.

 She lies back in the grass, the stress of the day consuming her. Despite the bright sun warming her face, the darkness of a future without the man she loves finally sets in. Like a damn that has broken her eyes release a flood of tears, raining down into the soil beneath her where she is crumpled like a child.